There you are, on a mountaintop, alone, listening to the wind blow through the scrub brush and the mountain grasses, and all you can think is, “Where did my friends go?”
You’ve never felt so alone.
That’s what it’s like when you’ve experienced a Brain Injury. Friends disappear, just when you want to share stuff with them, or you need them.
You’re left listening to the silence and the wind.
This is a fact: others absolutely cannot comprehend the enormity of what has happened to our brain after TBI. That’s all. Simple. They have no frame of reference that allows them to even begin to understand what has happened, nor should they be expected to, given where they are coming from, and that is something we need to understand.
It’s as if we are speaking English and they are speaking Mongolian: our friends don’t understand us, and we don’t understand them.
What makes it even harder is that it seems as though our closest friends have the hardest time adapting to the new us. This is very painful. Those of us who have had a Brain Injury have little patience and understanding for friends who question us or abandon us, and because they have done so at a time when we need them, we feel really hurt and angry.
We might think, “Why should we be understanding of their situation when we are the weakened ones?” The last thing we knew these people were our friends and now it seems as though they are stabbing us in the back, and it’s when we are at our weakest and need their support. It’s hard to take because it almost seems like they are going out of their way to be bad people.
But hold on for a sec. Let’s try to be rational here; why were you friends in the first place? A friendship is normally a two way street, meaning that both parties get something from the relationship. A relationship exists because it is mutually beneficial, not because it is good for one person and not good for the other.
This isn’t a marriage where, “’til death do us part,” and you’re stuck with each other, at least until you get divorced. This is a friendship, and although we like to idealize and romanticize what that friendship is and means, for it to continue both parties are going to have to keep on getting something from it.
It helps for both parties to be on the same wavelength.
You need friends who care enough about you as a person to be of service, to go through the tough times as well as the good, and who are emotionally equipped for this type of situation. These type of friends are rare, and they are to be treasured. This does not make your other friends bad people. They are just being human, and may not be equipped to be a friend to you after your brain injury. The point is, you can’t count on someone just because they have had the label “friend” in the past. Things have changed.
It’s also important to look at how you are with your friends. Many of us are affected by a condition called anosognosia. Having this condition means we don’t have self-awareness, and are not always able to see how what we are doing, or how we are being, is affecting others. We may not understand or notice exactly what we are doing, or that we are even doing anything that makes it hard for others to be around us.
Examining how we are with others and being objective about it so we can change is difficult. However, carrying around your anger and feelings of rejection is only going to hurt you in the long run. Feeling this way is just going to keep you stuck in the negative, and suck away the good, positive stuff you that you need to get better and live your life.
This is tough, because you want to feel good and feel powerful, and sometimes being angry is the only way to fight back against the world. It’s asking a lot of you at a time when you may not have a lot to give, but if you can find a way to move past the negative feelings these situations bring, you will be able to direct your energies towards living your life in a more magnanimous and positive way.
Being magnanimous, especially to those people who have hurt you without meaning to, will open up your life in ways you didn’t think possible.
Thank you for your posts. I’m a abi survivor and you always make a lot of sense. Every day gets a
little better and I have to just keep swimming! 🙂
Jeff, you have given me a whole new perspective in regard to my own ABI. I enjoy reading your words of wisdom and hope, in time, that I will find an inner peace to be able to understand and adjust to the new me.
Thank you
Thank You Jeff for this Article. I always look for writings on this subject because I have had not only My Best Friend leave me but my two sisters! They all think I am “different” now. And yes I am different, which I prefer to think I am a better me. I am calmer, I take naps, I dont drink, I am so Happy, but I am not as loud. They do not like the new me. But I am so sad and miss them. I have the best Hubby and kids and other friends and they say I should move on, but it is abandonedment. How could they leave us after a Burst Brain Aneurysm and all we have been through? I hope time heals but your article makes so much sense. Thank you.
Wow….. I lost at least 10 years from a real relationship – my sister and her family. I haven’t a clue why. I have asked if I have done something wrong and could we please discuss this. As usual, her husband, my dear bro-in-law, wrote back and said his endearing word for me….”Now, Aunt Cathy” ….”what makes you think we are upset?” Not wanting to make an issue and my great love and respect for him and my sister, I never answered. We discovered her death early one morning on Facebook. Realizing they forgot to tell us what was happening, we were quickly called. I last “talked” to her a few weeks before (she couldn’t talk because of her invisible disease that became visible.- Pulmonary Fibrosis) and she told me the a tad of her story. I couldn’t grasp what was wrong but knew things were worse. I didn’t know it was worse – as in dying. Neither did my other sister. Not understanding, but knew I needed to see her – I remembered she had sincerely asked for us to come. The weekend of her funeral was the time I was able to go. We would only stay an hour, as I asked her about company. If I had known she was given a few months at a Dr. visit in May, we would have done things differently. It wasn’t until a few months later, on her death bed did we get the message, but it still wasn’t clear. The bro in laws are having the harder time understanding why and what had happened through the past years. I knew and I confessed to my other bro-in-law.- it was my fault and I wasn’t sure why. As usual, at the visitation her husband, my dear brother grabbed me and hugged me for a while and talking to me the whole time. It was he who would come and be our counselor because we were alone in our battle. It was he who took extra time visiting all through the 17 years – making sure my “physc” was intact. Now I realize he was reading what I was reading but I wasn’t aware of my sisters bad health. Real bad health. He knew there was no support, he knew a minister had taken away my spiritual support, he knew I wasn’t happy to be alive, and he knew I was dying. If not for him….. I shutter. And he gave all and more of that support to his wonderful wife. Do I have resentment? No, only that this is “normal” with invisible and visible” disabilities. Doctors say the family must be educated. But do they help us? No. I have no animosity because of not telling me, I didn’t know. I was trying to be the sister we always were, but it was ended. I will probably never know why, but I do understand. (possibly protecting me?) I ache at years wasted and the great nieces /nephews I never formed bonds with. I hand it over to God and there is peace. Confusion, but peace. Thank you for validating so many things and having beautiful words to understand. I do want to say my oldest sister helped me with normal difficulties in life as she was older than I. Young, then teens, etc.. She gave godly tidbits of parenting. I would have messed up big time if not for her. Her counsel was always Godly. She was always there when I needed her and I think I was there when she needed me. I would come up and check out what my niece was doing while during some of her difficult years. Normal for some daughters not to tell mom! The good memories out weight others. She is in heaven, and that is more than I can say about me! FB – Chronic Pain Education for Patients, Friends & Family. Open page.
Aristotle believes that there are three different kinds of friendship; that of utility, friendship of pleasure, and virtuous friendship. I think you are going to lose all of the first two.
http://cantory.blogspot.com/2007/12/aristotle-and-his-view-of-friendship.html
Think you are right, Dean. Well put.
ONE (1), as in 1, Or uno…..i….. offered to help and really did. Because she lived 3 hours RT, she came once a week. The second friend (2) as in double, was battling Breast Cancer, but she came (I couldn’t drive) and we had our own support system. Those were the SUPPORT…. and I have more friends than I can count within 1 – 15 miles. But I have two virtuous friends! I was taught to get to the home fast with food and ask what was needed right away. Wash? Clean? I’d give 30 minutes to show I was serious, but would also have some respect with my time constraints. It made me feel easier and I knew if they really needed me they’d call… and they would. It wasn’t long before the hour turned into a 2 hours of need. How thrilling to gain their respect. I thought that was how it was done. I didn’t realize my mom was extra special~ 🙂 Cathy Turner
I see that, yes.. I have always been very aware of the differences in relationships before TBI, I have begun again to look at relationships and where things are at for me today and this article and your comment, Dean, was very timely for me.. I had hoped a few of my relationships, fiends as well as family, would be “virtuous”, but it has been 4 years since my severe TBI with coma and find none are. Makes for lots of room for some new ones, right?
I really enjoyed reading the article you posted about Aristotle’s writing about love….. After that, I think I have a few relationships I now think may have started out virtuous…more so than I recognized before reading the article, that I screwed up. There were a lot of mixed messages through the years, ones I probably should have addressed with that person, instead of saying nothing and concluding they were not interested in much of a relationship! Basically, I allowed my fear of rejection get the upper hand…. And I do have a few people in my life that have been virtuous towards me many times, just not often or with the regularity that I guess I expected of a “real friend”, LOL! I am laughing at my own self discoveries that maybe I wasn’t much of a “real friend” and well, you know, you gotta be one to have one…..
I agree, I have lost the ‘fareweather friends’ but through support have gained a few new friends