There you are, on a mountaintop, alone, listening to the wind blow through the scrub brush and the mountain grasses, and all you can think is, “Where did my friends go?”
You’ve never felt so alone.
That’s what it’s like when you’ve experienced a Brain Injury. Friends disappear, just when you want to share stuff with them, or you need them.
You’re left listening to the silence and the wind.
This is a fact: others absolutely cannot comprehend the enormity of what has happened to our brain after TBI. That’s all. Simple. They have no frame of reference that allows them to even begin to understand what has happened, nor should they be expected to, given where they are coming from, and that is something we need to understand.
Even when we explain it to them, they cannot understand. There is some disconnect there, and we just can’t get through. It’s as if we are speaking English and they are speaking Mongolian: our friends don’t understand us, and we don’t understand them.
What makes it even harder is that it seems as though our closest friends have the hardest time adapting to the new us. This is very painful. Those of us who have had a Brain Injury have little patience and understanding for friends who question us or abandon us, and because they have done so at a time when we need them, we feel really hurt and angry.
We might think, “Why should we be understanding of their situation when we are the weakened ones?” The last thing we knew these people were our friends and now it seems as though they are stabbing us in the back, and it’s when we are at our weakest and need their support. It’s hard to take because it almost seems like they are going out of their way to be bad people.
But hold on for a sec. Let’s try to be rational here; why were you friends in the first place? A friendship is normally a two way street, meaning that both parties get something from the relationship. A relationship exists because it is mutually beneficial, not because it is good for one person and not good for the other.
This isn’t a marriage where, “’til death do us part,” and you’re stuck with each other, at least until you get divorced. This is a friendship, and although we like to idealize and romanticize what that friendship is and means, for it to continue both parties are going to have to keep on getting something from it.
It helps for both parties to be on the same wavelength.
You need friends who care enough about you as a person to be of service, to go through the tough times as well as the good, and who are emotionally equipped for this type of situation. These type of friends are rare, and they are to be treasured. This does not make your other friends bad people. They are just being human, and may not be equipped to be a friend to you after your brain injury. The point is, you can’t count on someone just because they have had the label “friend” in the past. Things have changed.
It’s also important to look at how you are with your friends. Many of us are affected by a condition called anosognosia. Having this condition means we don’t have self-awareness, and are not always able to see how what we are doing, or how we are being, is affecting others. We may not understand or notice exactly what we are doing, or that we are even doing anything that makes it hard for others to be around us.
Examining how we are with others and being objective about it so we can change is difficult. However, carrying around your anger and feelings of rejection is only going to hurt you in the long run. Feeling this way is just going to keep you stuck in the negative, and suck away the good, positive stuff you that you need to get better and live your life.
This is tough, because you want to feel good and feel powerful, and sometimes being angry is the only way to fight back against the world. It’s asking a lot of you at a time when you may not have a lot to give, but if you can find a way to move past the negative feelings these situations bring, you will be able to direct your energies towards living your life in a more magnanimous and positive way.
Being magnanimous, especially to those people who have hurt you without meaning to, will open up your life in ways you didn’t think possible.
We know that writing any story is a daunting task. Such a personal story as yours, brings so much more to the undertaking . Your story is a part of everyone’s understanding of how each fits in the world. Thank you, and congratulations.
Thanks very much, Peter. I really appreciate your kind words.
Thank you for a well written, and insightful article about friendship and Brain Injury.
Trina C. Bradlee
Thank you, Trina.
Written like you were speaking for all of us. These words might as well been mine as the thoughts are exactly my own. Bravo very well written!
I know exactly what you are saying in regards to “friends.” One day you are the popular one where everyone else wants to hang around with you since they all enjoy your company. Then you are struck with an unwanted TBI and not only do you frequently lose your mind, but you also instantly lose all of your “friends.” Everyone enjoys the company of others for a specific reason but when you become nothing more than dead weight your former friends see you as a “potential problem.”
P.S. Thank you for sparing your time to come and speak to us at HICS in Quincy, you did a great job.
Thank You
Younes is one of the survivors at hics! Looking forward to seeing you at the conference!
I received my injury in another state, when I was estranged from family. They do not even believe it happened, and expect me to be “normal”. I’m grateful my young nieces and nephews accept me how I am. After my injury I began to count my blessings and be grateful to be alive. I changed my poor behavior and became a better person. Those who are best able to adapt to change (not just mine) are still my friends.
I received mine when I was 16 years old. One week 17. Even though my family claimed to be well read on what they should expect they still looked at me as if I was a stranger and wasn’t acting right. So I had to relearn my previous behaviour and stick to it. Now at 31 years old, I have moved to another state and started a family and do visit as I am still under an hours drive away.
So true!! If you cant see it, it must not be real. My Nana even said to me, “You can walk. Why cant you work?” People, like who I see at church for one hour a week, think that if I am upright, I’m normal. I do a lot of kitchen-related vounteering, and people ask me when I dont apply to work in a kitchen, and I have to tell them, that even though I love to help for a couple hours, I have to then go home and recover my muscles the rest of the day. Thank you for your words.
Jeff I believe that the words spoken in this blog are so true to all of us and you said them perfectly…It’s so sad that people are blinded by ignorance ….or they say I’m so sorry for what has happened to you…but are they really.????,..How do you know ??? Mine is more my family I never hear from my brothers at all…..I physically haven’t seen my younger brother which I thought I was close to since the second week in January…my husband says to me never mind him he’s so full of himself that he doesn’t even see you..I tried to put it behind me but I have three brothers all successful and I had the same career as them and now mine is gone forever…All I know is the Wings group and all the members are now my family so the rest can just kiss my ” Ass” if you know what I mean lol….
Oh I know I just said the above but the last line I’m struggling with everyday 🙁
In my case, I sustained a TBI at 25 years of age. At the time, all my friends were single and into doing “stuff.” After I sustained a TBI, I couldn’t participate in any “stuff” my friends were doing. I couldn’t help them or be a part of anything they were doing and they couldn’t help me with anything I was doing (They weren’t to keen on going to therapy every day.)
They had careers, got married, had kids, went to Bar-B-Que’s, pot-lucks, concerts, etc., everything human beings normally do. I couldn’t do any of that. Why would anyone hang-out with someone who can’t do the things they want to do?
My friends are still “friends” technically, but I don’t hang-out with them anymore because we have nothing in common.
Hello,
My daughter was only 15 when she got a TBI. She was trying to make a friend at the time. The friend led my daughter into an unnecessary danger, and my daughter was seriously injured. There was a way to do the activity safely as Planned by my daughter. However, peer influence and my daughter following advice to stick together was her downfall. This new acquaintance abandoned my daughter. My daughter is on her third year of recovery. She lost her youth, her sports, her graduating class, her old friends, her chance to grow up. She is now an “old soul” but still needs to complete adolescence. In my daughter’s case, I think this “friend” just wanted to escape her guilt. Her lack of acknowledgement and total dismissal is heartbreaking itself. My daughter will have to find new friends. Let’s hope she can find someone honest and trustworthy.
Thanks so much for taking the time and energy to write this, it is me.
I’ve read this several times and each time a flood of emotions comes through from a profound sadness, to disappointment, to anger and back again to sadness. I’m not even the one with the TBI. Martin, my son, had his TBI over 4 years ago and has not awoken from his state. Everything you have said I have felt for him and for myself. Closest family members don’t even call or visit. Martin best friend still comes every few months to visit him but I hurt for Martin knowing his best friend is still friends with the woman (Martin’s ex-wife) that took everything from him instead of making sure he didn’t go without. It is eating away at me and I don’t want to feel like this. I need my energy to be dedicated 100% to him. I want to stop hurting for him and me. I don’t know where to begin to be magnanimous or how. I pray and pray for his healing and I even started praying for my own healing as well. To know that there are others in the same situation, doesn’t bring me comfort, it saddens me more. I pray I learn from others experiences and find guidance. Thank you
I have survived two brain injuries, both after I had moved away from my childhood home but which was still where family and many friends lived. Because both happened “out of sight” of many whom I loved and because I survived, there has been very limited acknowledgement of the myriad of changes in my life. It’s been hugely painful on both sides I think, each side wondering where on earth their friend went, and went far beyond those changes of “normal” aging.
On the positive side, I have new friends but I think on some level I will always miss connecting with the people I grew up with – and that, I think is very true for many but for far different reasons.
Hello, It is a very difficult subject to express. I know. After my accident, I went from a successful graduate student and graphic designer in my 50’s with oodles of friends, to a hermit. I miss the social contact terribly. I love people, but I have changed and I know that, and it makes it hard for the people around me, so I have chosen to get invovled in solitary activities which give me pleasure, and helps to build my self worth. The activities, so of which are voluteer via the computeer also give me occasional contact with different people from different walks of life. I am who am…and they appreciate my help and abilities. There ARE people out there who understand, but it is tricky. bj
My friends abandoned me because, I couldn’t deal with the dumb stuff. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I know I changed after my Stroke, but I will not apologize for my current state of mind. That goes for friends and family.
My daughter was 6. All her friends are gone. She’s now 12 and eats school lunch alone. She tries to make friends and even invites people to our house, but no one ever reciprocates.
I can relate, in my case the father my husband makes our kids even more insecure. Our kids are afraid to have friends. My heart breaks for our kids and yours. I just pray God handles this for us.
Thank you Jeff! .My husband is going through this right now. Your blog has helped me a great deal. I feel like I have been more angry about this then he has been lately. He sustained a TBI in July of 2012, among many other injuries, after hitting a deer on his motorcycle. We are hoping he will be able to come home in February. He is doing great!
Very nicely written. I was lucky enough to have so many who supported me after my stroke 4 years ago that I didn’t notice those who disappeared. I know not all are as fortunate.
I just shared this on FB group “Stroke Recovery Trials & Tribulations”, a closed group for those that have experienced brain damage from any cause, and our friends and supporters. A place for peer to peer celebration of advances, and to share our frustrations too. I’ll add any who ask, the rules are no advertizing, and to be nice.
Thank you so very much Jeff. You just made me smile. 🙂
You’re very welcome. You made my day.
Thanks for reading and responding. You had a great line in your comment, “Life is too rich and full of possibilities to pretend not to be involved and committed.” To me, that ties a bow around everything you said: despite how difficult things have been, and continue to be for you, you still see the possibilities that exist. Despite the burden you are enduring, and that fact that you are alone with your burden, you see the richness in life. You may not be able to see it all the time, but you know it is there. The more you see it, and don’t abandon hope, the better you may be in the daily struggle. Good luck.
I just came across this blog … very inspiring and heart-wrenching at the same time … and beautifully written.
My husband suffered a brain injury from stroke, and we can relate to much of what others have posted,
Most of our friends and family for both my husband and myself have vanished. Some instantly, some slowly over the course of a few weeks or months, till now when all but a couple have stuck with us. All are precious souls, but those precious souls are worth more than precious gems, Honestly, it is better without ones that have disappeared since they are usually takers and are not interested in genuine mutual support.
Our perspective is that if a friend or family that was there and then suddenly is not there due to my husband’s stroke then they are missing out more than we are, but what a shame.
We don’t have a lot of time and energy to care too much about the superficial folk, but for those who have disappeared that were maybe just not strong enough to deal with such, we just take the initiative and visit THEM from time to time to let THEM know we care..
Beyond that, we make our new own life wonderful with or without, and have met new friends that are more genuine.
Interesting thoughts Linda. I have come to see that nearly every TBI survivor I’ve met has the experience of seeing friends disappear.
In my life post-TBI, all my biking friends vanished. Quite a few stopped by to see me in the Neural Trauma ICU about 325 miles from home. But after I got home…all alone.
I retired 3 years after being able to return to work. Eight years retired now and never hear much from those I managed or those I worked with.
Have found that retiring early, my plan. It gets very hard to find new friends…it will probably be a challenge for me until the day I pass. But I keep working at it, have to stay active or that awful dementia will sneak up on me.
Just read this my 18 year old son is left with a TBI since a car crash and this is so insightful and true !
Certainly, suffering a brain injury takes you out of the areas of society in which you can make friends. I had a full time & 2 part time jobs in my pre stroke life, and, after losing them all, I had nothing in common with those who I had once considered friends, or at least, social acquaintances. Sure they visited me once or twice whilst in intensive care, but that was it. After I came home from rehab, it was me who had to drive across the city to see them, they were not interested in driving for an hour to visit me. After Xmas cards only appeared after I sent out mine, I broke connection, none of them phoned to find out why