For the last forty three years, since my car crash and month long coma, I have essentially been performing one big balancing act. Over this time I have learned what it takes to maintain my balance on the brain injury high wire; balancing what I used to be, what I was becoming, what I thought I was and my new reality in order to build a life that works.
I will be balancing for the rest of my life, balancing on a straight and narrow line so I can continue to live my life and move forward.
I have learned that staying balanced requires that I remain focused on the big picture and not get caught up in momentary wishes and desires, dreams of what could have been, or on day to day events. I can’t let myself get either too low or get too excited. I have to just be the way I am.
I would love to live my life being footloose and carefree, but “staying balanced” means that is not going to happen. Instead, I keep myself in check and in control, a little bound up and tense as I discover what I am now all about; always preparing for what could happen.
That is my reality since my accident; though I am positive and forward looking, I have a persistent tug in the back of my mind, a slight nagging feeling telling me that I have to be careful and watch out.
Strength
I have been fighting the brain injury wars; minute by minute and breath by breath, for a long time. For forty three years my life has been chock full of one battle or another, and it is draining, but it is important to stay vigilant as I stay in the present and in reality. I can’t let visions of what life used to be like bog me down. Nor can I dream beyond my capabilities.
I have now arrived at a place where I am at peace with my life, but that doesn’t mean I have won the war. I would never say I vanquished my brain injury. Rather, I will say I found a way to survive by maintaining my balance.
So that is what I take away from this: it’s all about balance and staying on the straight and narrow. Balancing on that fine line means we don’t get distracted, don’t let our minds wander, and we find a way to stay strong, to persevere and quietly stay confident; we do what we have to, not because we want to, but because it is our job.
Walking on that Line
Over the years, through my own experience and the experiences of others, I have come to appreciate the fragility of my life and I have learned about the strength I have. I marvel at my life; not just the idea that my life can change in an instant, but also the idea that I have the power to maintain balance and direct my life, even when I feel out-of-control. I have found the strength and power to fight distractions, stay focused, and set the tone and direction for my life; as well as the power to not let myself be affected by the things happening around me that could throw my balance off.
When I think back on my life, I credit my success on my ability to stay balanced; to stay away from the highs and lows, to not let the fear win, and to focus on the little things. I am still amazed that I didn’t snap; or that I didn’t lose my balance and fall off that cliff or lose my sanity. What kept me sane? I think back to certain situations, especially when I was alone with my wild thoughts, with my worries and my fears; balancing on that fine line between normal and crazy, and how I was saved by vigilance and balance.
Staying in control and balanced was a great goal to have.
Victory?
I will never claim victory in the war with my brain injury; that would be egotistical and wrong. I have learned that it’s not necessary to yell, “I’ve won,” in order to be victorious. Claiming victory would disrupt my balance, and pumping my chest and yelling would interfere with the learning of important lessons one discovers when one is humble.
I have done the best I can and have built a life I can be proud of.
Yes. By learning to be balanced I have found what powers me, and it’s something we all have. I have found the power to block out distractions, fight my fears, stay focused and persevere. Being balanced may not be the most fun, but it is what has enabled me to get to “this place”.
As I said earlier, I know “this place” is fragile, and as good as I might feel right now, I have to remember all that stuff from my past is buried somewhere in me, waiting to jump out and make me unbalanced. I live right on the edge and I always will.
That is why maintaining my balance is essential.
thank you Jeff for sharing. I know it is a struggle and who thought you would have to change the way you think about things. Brain injuries are scary but you seem to remember an important element. Live today and stay positive. My husband has glioblastoma and survived 6 years. It was a roller coaster but he was mostly positive throughout. The years just went by. This is a lovely way of your sharing with people I appreciate it.
thanks jeff for great words I had my tbi back in 2001 and I still struggle always great to hear from another tbi survivor.
Jeff,
I haven’t written to you in a while but after reading this post, I must note only THANK YOU from the bottom of my huge heart, but also tell you that your words of encouragement could not be more timely.
You are amazing, and please don’t ever stop writing. You are a gift. A true gift to all who read your thoughts.
Cathy
What specifically does being balanced mean?
Thanks for responding. I guess I’ll partially answer your question by quoting a sentence from my blog: “I can’t let myself get either too low or get too excited.” Staying balanced for me means I am in control and not emotionally swept up in things that happen or things I think or dream about. I realized if I let myself be affected by these things I wouldn’t necessarily react in a way that was helpful.
Hope that makes sense.
Jeff
As a 12 year TBI Survivor resulting from a tree comeing down on me. My life has been anything but normal. Couldn’t be happier to come across your site. Finally someone that not only is like me but is able to manage there life. Most importantly you are sharing your knowledge. Thank you,
Thanks for the share. I am extremely impressed with your writing skills, and inspiring words. I’ve never heard anyone describe a brain injury so well. Unless you’ve lived with such a trauma, no-one can possibly understand the daily challenges you go through. It warmed my heart, hearing how you’ve dealt with your injury.. If everyone could be as positive as you, the world would be a much better place.
This is such an uplifting post! I love your enthusiasm and good advice, thank you!
Great email. Very honest and insightful. Thank you for sharing unfiltered thoughts without a rose-colored tint of “everything will be fine.” Sometimes, it just isn’t. That can be it’s own kind of delicately-balanced “fine.”
Thank you all so much for reading and commenting.
Thank you … I am 2 years in after my car accident and still trying to find my peace its hard and a lot of the world doesn’t understand how hard it is …really appreci
The world doesn’t understand how hard it is. You are amazing!
I love what you have written! I am happy you were able to look at your TBI in a good way. I had a TBI and epilepsy. I got brain surgery, and have been seizure free ever since. The brain is one of the most amazing things in the body! It was great for you to write so many other survivors could see this. Thank you.
On reading the Topic I mistakenly thought you were referring physical balance.which is is a big problem for me since my TBI 18 years ago. Through coaching and personal persistence, I have overcome many of the other issues that I have to struggle with. by accepting that this is the way it is these days.. You are 100% right, keeping a balanced perspective is what it is all about.
Wishing you well…
Jeff,
A powerful message you made here for us. Jeff!
My TBI happened in 1990 when I was 29 years old. I felt I had it all before then lost it all in 1990. It took me a while to accept all the crud I went thru, but when I finally did accept it pretty well, I just called it my 2nd Life, and had to just start over at EVERYTHING. That helped me cope very well with my newer life!
Lisa
Jeff,
Your message is so inspiring!! I enjoyed reading it. I am caregiver to my son who is a TBI survivor. We take care of him everyday. He’s still not able to talk or walk. It has been 7 years since his accident. We were trained how to take care of him at Shepherd Center. That is a wonderful rehab center!!!
I am always reading information on brain injury patients just to learn more about my son. Thanks for sharing your information.
Joyce
It has been 12 years since my accident. You would think I would have been able to accept this new forgetful me that was born after the accident that killed my mother, husband, son, and daughter. I now suffer through depression, post traumatic stress disorder, insomnia, and short term memory loss. I can’t drive or work, and have had one failed attempt at suicide. I have absolutely no idea what I would do without my emotional support dog Goldie. She knows my moods and is always there to lick me in the face to dry my tears when I cry. Anxiety attacks have become more frequent here recently. Once I realize what is happening, I’m able to take steps to rescue myself and Goldie supports me through it also. I see two different counselors once a week and they have been able to address things I have failed to notice about myself. I also beat myself up for surviving the accident while my family didn’t. They call it survivors guilt. I do the best I can. I have built a strong relationship with God and we have conversations every day. My life isn’t what I chose, but it is the life I live. I have the choice to be miserable or comfortable every second of everyday. It goes both ways, but I’m coping.
Kristie,
That is just a really hard thing to live with. I’m so sorry, but I want to tell you that you are amazing. I’m sure everything is so complicated because of the brain injury. You are very courageous to choose to live and extremely strong to be able to get up and face every day. I wish you the very best as you move forward. You will be in my thoughts. Jeff
You are a wonderful writer. Each blog contains honest communication and valuable advice.
Thank you!
balance? never thought on it.
I just went with the flow and believed I COULD!
AND MANY TIMES I DID.
when IT DIDN’T HAPPEN I told myself I didn’t need it.
and kept on searching and in unfamiliar circumstances I observed and copied and just blended in..
I still don’t talk much or have many close friends but love the ones I have
I feel that friends are the family you choose for yourself…
thanks for your view on balance I shall reflect on it. — kp