Don’t you just hate it when someone doesn’t “GET” it?
We’ve all been through this: out of frustration or anger or just plain annoyance at having to explain ourselves yet again, we say something that we might regret or that’s not helpful. We’re not trying to be mean,
or short with our words, or sound exasperated, but we’ve had enough. We’ve had enough of, what we see as, being disrespected, pigeon-holed, and looked-down upon.
The inability to communicate what we want to say fuels our frustration. Add to that our impatience, and a lack of awareness of both ourselves and the situation we find ourselves in, and…well, you know what happens.
For all these reasons, those of us who have experienced a traumatic brain injury are not problem solvers. In the heat of the moment, we are unable to communicate what we want or what we mean in a way that is effective. Instead, we not only anger people, but walk away full of self-doubt, blame and shame.
“You don’t understand!” are the three angry words we use most often; a phrase we often use when another person doesn’t “get” us. This is an innocent enough phrase, but it almost never yields the results we would like.
Many times our first reaction to someone who can’t see we have a brain injury, or who doesn’t “get” what a brain injury involves, is to get exasperated and tell them point-blank, “You don’t understand!”
“But it’s the truth!!” You might say in defense of yourself. “They don’t “get” me or my situation! All I’m doing is telling them the truth? What’s wrong with that?”
Nothing is wrong with telling the truth, but we have to think about whether or not being honest is going to help us get what we want in this situation, and we have to look at what we’re trying to communicate.
Most times, we say, “You don’t understand!” when we’ve reached the end of our rope, and it’s the first thing we think of. Maybe someone is expecting us to do something we don’t feel we can and we want them to know the reason; or perhaps we want to explain why something happened. It’s our way of trying to let people know we weren’t always like this; that there’s a reason and that it’s not our fault.
However, using the phrase,”You don’t understand!” is like throwing up our hands, and stomping off. “You don’t understand!” is most often said out of frustration, and whether you know it you’re not, signals that you have had enough.
The way other people hear our words, it’s as though we’re throwing down the gauntlet and challenging them to understand. We’re questioning their actual ability to understand and their intentions. Most importantly, however, there really is no good response that they can give. By saying this, we back them into a corner, and everybody’s ego gets engaged.
Occasionally, someone will say, calmly, “Help me understand.” This is a blessing, when someone is willing to really listen and learn, but usually, when you say,”You don’t understand!” you’re using fighting words and you get a fighting response,
I made up my mind a long time ago, that I was not going to use the phrase, “You don’t understand!” for this reason: if I ever felt like I had to say it, it meant I was trying too hard to convince somebody, and I was wanting to make them see something they weren’t willing, or couldn’t, see.
To paraphrase: I was leading this horse to water, and he wasn’t drinking even though I was trying to force him.
Saying,” You don’t understand,” was my last resort, usually words of desperation and frustration. It was my way of saying, “You’re all %1@#$ up and you’ll never get it,” and stomping off. If I gave it some thought, I would see I wasn’t really expecting a response, and I probably wouldn’t even know what to do if I got one. Saying this meant I was desperate, unable to open up a dialogue about brain injury and not trusting the other person to see me for what I was.
We need to look at what are we wanting to communicate, and we need to ask ourselves what we are looking for from the other person, always keeping in mind that it’s an emotional issue.
In reality, there is pretty much no way they can understand what goes on with the brain injured person unless they’ve had a brain injury themselves. We also need to ask ourselves if they really care, if they really want understand it and does it really matter that they understand?
They aren’t bad people because they don’t understand a brain injury.
We would like others to understand our brain injury for a couple of reasons. Number one , it gives us a relatedness we don’t feel we have with many people, and makes them part of our lives so we are not so alone. Another reason we want others to understand us, is because if they understand, we feel less pressure to “Get it right.” Lastly, we probably want them to see that we aren’t what we used to be, and we would like to be acknowledged for how hard we have worked to be able to do what we can.
The only thing you have any control over is yourself. Focusing on what you can do, and how you can be as a person, may make it easier when others can’t understand. There are always going to be people who don’t understand, and it’s not their reaction that’s important, it’s yours. As difficult as it is, it’s up to us to help build a bridge of understanding and promote our own recovery.
Good, timely information… I am 8 years post TBI and overall doing very well, however, I still have a lot of issues that I am great at masking for lack of a better word. I have had an increased level of frustration the last couple of years and just told my wife a couple of weeks ago that, “I feel like no one gets me”. My adult daughter was angry with me and I was having trouble communicating what I truly meant and wanted to say/express so I come across as an “ass*&le” for lack of a better word. I am meeting with a new neurologist next month who was recommend by my pain management Dr. and am looking forward to some fresh insight and help. Thank you again for this publication and keep up the good work!
Steve
Thanks for your comments, Steve. Good luck with the new neurologist!
Hello. I am brand new to this and while my injury was September 2013, I only am a month into the knowledge that I may have a TBI and that it even existed. I have been misdiagnosed and on my own for over a year and a half. Easily the most frustrating time of my entire life. Now finally coming across this knowledge I’m able to at least grasp what I’ve been going through so thank you for this webpage. Unfortunately the destruction of my life and relationships seem more permanent. I am currently in a world of trouble and don’t know where to turn in my state/State..Is there anyone in Colorado that you know that is a specialist or can help?
Mark,
Sorry for all the stuff you are going through, but hopefully you can get on a good path now. I don’t have first hand knowledge of the resources available out there, but I would think a good place to start would be the Brain Injury Alliance of Colorado. Their phone number is 303.355.9969, and their email is info@biacolorado.
I hope this can get you pointed in the right direction. Good luck.
Jeff
TO: Jeffrey Sebell
To reply to your post, “You do not understand” would take more time and energy than I have available right now. Yes, I AM a survivor of a severe brain injury, sustained in 1955 where there was NO rehab.,, – – one either “sank” or “swam” I lived in a Third World country for almost thirty years, where I was a senior lecturer in English and Linguistics, the head of the English department of the top secondary school in the island, and a freelance journalist. Now WHAT do I want people to understand? I am NOT Catholic, but the secondary school at which I taught was run by the Jesuit fathers.
A saying I learned: ‘SEEK NOT SO MUCH TO BE UNDERSTOOD AS
TO UNDERSTAND.” There is another I am sure you have heard: “Do not judge a man unless you have walked a mile in his mocassins.”
Very few people except those in the narrow “braininjury community” even KNOW I have a brain injury. WHY? I have compensated (and still do). Even though I have fairly severe frontal lobe damage, I have learned to compensate; to NEVER get angry, for IF I DO, this will show that I HAVE NOT LEARNED TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
Margaret Green
Margaret Thanks for your comment and insight. I think the line you said you learned, ‘SEEK NOT SO MUCH TO BE UNDERSTOOD AS TO UNDERSTAND,” really hits the nail on the head. Some of us are so concerned that others understand us that we forget what our job is.
Very insightful, Jeff. This information would be great to use at an event for families of loved ones who have had a brain injury.
With children too, who have had a brain injury, it must be very frustrating to convey their difficulties.
Thanks for sharing another excellent blog.
Maria Coyle, information editor, http://www.braininjuryhub.co.uk
I find that then I’m talking to people who don’t understand, the first thing I say is ” I didn’t break my arm, my broke my brain”. Then I give them 2 more items:
go to your local library and look for personal brain injury stories to read;
Google “brain injury online forums” to find & read. Of course they don’t understand… it’s up to survivors to let the world know.
Okay so gimme something I can say in place of “you don’t understand” *a Quick- a one-liner….. something! Because even though your words are well put, true and I do understand … some still won’t. . And I’ll be frustrated in the moment….
That is a great question, because at some point we all want to communicate that phrase. I think the point of the post was that the idea behind the words is okay, but the way we do it doesn’t get the job done. I don’t know if there is a one liner that would fit the bill because what we are really trying to do is engage them in a conversation. What I would try to do is bring up an example of something I might do that would show them what it was like to live with a brain injury, like, “Do you remember I did this thing? What was that like for you when I did that, because I want too tell you what it was like for me.”