Feeling un-worthy is debilitating and aggravating, and it affects everything we do.
Like all of us, I got tired of feeling un-worthy; of feeling that I just wasn’t good enough. All the failures got to me: all the times I said, “But I used to be able too do that!”
What could I do about that “un-worthy” feeling?
There are many things we experience after a traumatic brain injury that are the direct result of the insult we suffer to our brain. Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Speech are three of the therapies we might go through to try and resolve the issues brought on directly by TBI. Doctors might write in our medical records that we can’t walk well, talk clearly, remember, have a good judgment, are depressed or have pain. These are some of the direct consequences that might come from a traumatic brain injury.
Other things, however, the indirect consequences of what happened to us, are every bit as real and debilitating to us, and the harsh truth is that some of them might be in our mind. An example of an indirect consequence is feeling unworthy: how our self-esteem is affected by our situation. Self-esteem, or sense of worth, is created by your thoughts, relationships and experiences, all of which are dramatically influenced by a TBI.
Feeling un-worthy then, is not caused by the direct insult to our brain, but rather, is the result of how we react to what has happened to us. Feeling un-worthy is a by-product of what our TBI has “done to us.”
There is really no way to directly treat the lack of self esteem we suffer following a TBI: we can’t take a pill or seek HBOT and have it directly addressed. Doctors indirectly treat our lack of self-esteem by hoping that restoring our skills and abilities will magically bring back our self-esteem and our feelings of self worth .
Feeling un-worthy has far-reaching and extremely damaging effects, because even as we work to regain some semblance of what we used to be, we are constantly influenced by nagging self-doubt, second guessing, and a lack of self-worth. More often than not, our predictions that we “can’t do this” or “can’t do that” come true, as our self-doubt turns us into our own worst enemy; continually beating ourselves up for what we can’t do anymore becomes common.
How can we deal with these feelings of un-worthiness that seem to sink their sharp claws into us, making us think we are incapable of success and not deserving of a better fate? There are a few adjustments we can make to our lives that may help us to regain our sense of worth and importance.
Joining a support group, while not necessarily a cure in itself, will get you to a place where there are like-minded individuals, struggling with the same issues. Realizing you are not alone in these matters is one of the greatest things that a support group can do for you. Talking about common issues can bring you face to face with how insidious brain injury is, and give you strength as you realize you’re not crazy in thinking these thoughts. Understanding that there are others with the same issues will give your thoughts and feelings validation, and give you ammunition in the fight to gain your self-worth.
Accomplishment, however small, is a great way to build your self-worth. There is no accomplishment too small that it won’t make a difference in how you feel about yourself. A simple to do list, written in the morning, and marked off during the day as things are done, gives you organization, focus, and a framework for you to succeed. Crossing things off your to do list can be a great source of pleasure. I even put things on my to do list that had already done, just so I could cross them out.
One of the most effective steps you can take in restoring your confidence and feelings of worthiness is to take the time to look at your role as a human being in the world. This means focusing less on accomplishments or things you “do”, and more on your “spirit” or what you “are”. Sometimes we get so caught up in what has changed because of TBI that we neglect what hasn’t changed. What hasn’t change is a fundamental Spirit or energy that you bring to life, and that spirit you bring to life is bigger than any physical thing you can or can’t do.
Refining and reworking your expectations, as well as the way you define yourself, levels out the playing field, giving you a chance to succeed on your own terms. Being realistic and accepting when it comes to your circumstances, in addition to being forgiving of yourself when things don’t go right, are crucial to feeling good about yourself. Remember, you want to feel good about yourself and what you do: do things for the right reasons and give yourself a foundation of goodness.
Self esteem and self-worth are not built overnight, and you usually can’t just turn off the “un-worthy faucet” overnight and feel better about yourself. It takes time and a concerted effort to, once again, tell yourself that you are a reliable, can-do person, but you have to start somewhere.
Learning about yourself and your new capabilities is an important step to take so you aren’t making the same mistakes over and over again. Building a positive foundation you can grow from comes from learning about yourself and then putting that knowledge into action by defining yourself based on your new reality.
Thanks, Jeff
;- ) ;- ) ;- )
“… indirect consequences … are every bit as real, … and the harsh truth is that SOME OF THEM ‘might be’ in OUR MIND(s)”.
BWAH-Hahahahaha!!!
AFTER TBI, the problems are A L L “In Our Minds…”
THANKS, JEFF SEBELL!
I just got my BIG JOLLY for the day from that line…
Big HUG! ;-D
p.s.
NOT mocking you. It just struck Me as SO FUNNY…
p.p.s.
I DO NOT FEEL UNWORTHY – EVER!
(That part of MY mind probably got SQUASHED! lolol)
No worries, Suzanne. I toyed with that line before I finished. Thank you for reading. And I’m glad you never feel unworthy.
Keep on rocking.
Hi Jeff,
I consider my brain injuries (note PLURAL) to be gifts as well as burdens.
Yes, I’m ‘changed,’ but I would have changed ANYWAY – from day to day and year to year. Time alone changes us…
Sometimes I think of myself as having crash-landed on another planet. It LOOKS LIKE EARTH, but it’s definitely NOT… My greatest strengths from before I crashed are USELESS here. And, abilities I once considered to be my ‘weaknesses’ are suddenly among my greater strengths… When I get to feeling low, I often review and/or revise my inventory of my gains and losses. Usually, I seem to come out pretty well.
Every day I do SOMETHING I’ve never done before! It doesn’t need to be big, it just needs to be a first… That’s something I always did BEFORE my crashes. Still do it.
Support groups were okay early on, but now they merely frustrate me. So many people complain! THAT I just don’t need… I get MY ‘support’ by helping others who are even more encumbered than I am.
Volunteer at a memory care facility for dementia patients. You WILL count your blessings as you leave… Volunteer to work with the mentally retarded. You’ll be an intellectual Superstar there, and when you leave THEY’ll have infected YOU with joy and good humor – emotional lightness being the GIFT that accompanies their BURDEN… Got a roof over your head? Volunteer to help replace one for a destitute homeowner. You don’t need to get on the roof – just pass out sandwiches and drinks! (Somebody needs to do it!)
If you want or need to REMEMBER things, write them down.
Then STOP LOOKING BACK. The PAST is NOT ‘where the ACTION is!”
Also, pay attention to YOUR LANGUAGE!
“What IF…” and “if ONLY…” are two of the most USELESS phrases I can think of – WHEN they’re used to look BACK at the PAST.
They can’t DO anything… They can’t CHANGE anything.
BUT – Apply them to the FUTURE, and they open all sorts of new doors.
I don’t DEFINE MYSELF by my TBI any more than I define myself by whether or not I have the flu! I also don’t COMPARE MYSELF to anyone else – including my younger Self, my pre-injury Self or even YESTERDAY’s Self! Its’ unproductive.
No… I’m NOT the same. But I wouldn’t be the same even if NOTHING had happened to my brain! Wallowing in a sense of loss because “life” has “happened” in a way I don’t like is pointless to me. When there is loss, we GRIEVE. But there must be LIMITS to GRIEVING, after which, (as the saying goes,) LIFE GOES ON!
It’s the LIFE part that interests me. So WHAT, if it’s not ‘exactly’ what I had in mind? SO WHAT!!!???
Every day that I wake up to discover I’m NOT six feet under and there still IS a spinning planet beneath me, I’m GRATEFUL. And guess what?
GRATITUDE… is the only CURE I know for feeling ‘UNWORTHY.’
Have a great day! Suzanne ;- )
©suzannemcable.05.14.2015
Thank you and you have touched my heart and said this so gracefully I cried the whole way through. You are an amazing speaker.
You can find self worth with just a single puff and inhale of Cannabis, if, you live in Colorado Oregon, DC or Washington State. Rock on, great site!
-Life is Good In Colorado
Amen!
To Suzanne… Regarding your response to Jeff on 5/14…
I thoroughly agree with all that you wrote! Ditto, Ditto, kept running through my brain as I read each word. All the while enjoying how you chose to describe what I also have been dealing with for 13 years now. Most people w/o a TBI couldn’t possibly understand our truth of being thankful for who we are today.
For me, it’s awkward feeling like I’m in a different body now, with a different mind, and in a foreign land! The struggle to figure out how to make everything work (right?) again, capabilities unknown, is a frustrating path. Even more stressful is the reality that my words are often misunderstood. The strengths I relied on are now my deepest deficits! I wonder… Now what???
How the heck did I get here? What’s left for my life now?
But, then there is gratitude! Grateful for the little things and the BIG! Glad to have a second chance at life (just wish the last 13 years didn’t fly away so fast)! Grateful that I have an opportunity to be grateful!!!
Thanks for what you shared and how you shared it, Suzanne! For this, and you, I am truly grateful!!
Sincerely, Annemarie :o)
I am only a few years out from TBI. My life has changed dramatically…the things i once enjoyed doing…reading, writing poetry, drawing, have all been compromised. I am struggling to find the things that i once enjoyed that i am still capable of…gardening, needlepoint, beadwork…craft stuff that creates beautiful things. I am definitely not the same, but have finally stopped saying things like what if, and if only…i cannot undo the damage to my brain…all i can do is take things one day at a time and be simply grateful that i am still alive.