• Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • Home
  • About
  • Contact

TBI Survivor

Support for TBISurvivors

  • Dealing with TBI
  • Finding Yourself
  • Thriving
  • Relationships

This TBI Survivor Doesn’t Care How You Talk to Me

May 6, 2019 by Jeff Sebell 9 Comments

At some point during this 43 year “trip” I’ve spent living with a brain injury, I got fed up: too much of my mental energy was being spent getting frustrated and angry because of things other people said to me. That was the moment I decided that I should not allow my mental health or my well being be dependent on the words of  others.

I saw that no matter how much I tried to teach and inform others about brain injury and me, I would never be able to control what they actually thought about me and what they said. The only thing to do was learn to control the one thing I could: my reactions.

My Plan

In order to change my reactions I had to change how I heard things. When people made statements that I thought were  misinformed or insulting, about me and how /my brain injury was/wasn’t affecting me, I stopped looking at it as an attack, and instead began to look at it as if they were just testing me. When I looked at it that way, what I had once thought were uncaring insults and degrading comments became exams; tests given to me in order to see how far I had come on my road back.

I would pass or fail the test based on my reactions.

Each time I went ballistic because someone said something I didn’t like, I was failing the test. Getting defensive and trying to “convince” others who wouldn’t listen or didn’t understand would make me emotional and cause me to lash out in anger and frustration. Not only would I fail, I was losing my power and my dignity.

On the other hand, if I ignored their words and had no reaction, I would pass the test. But ignoring wasn’t easy. I wanted badly to defend myself, and ignoring those hurtful words seemed to go against everything I stood for. What allowed me to ignore their words was learning to not take what they said personally, almost as if I didn’t care. 

In order to pass each test, I developed these three statements to help:

I’m not made of glass, and I won’t break if you say something I don’t like.

I will not let the quality of my life or how I feel about myself depend on your ability to either, understand what’s going on with me, or to talk to me a certain way.

I recognize  that it would make life just a tiny bit easier if others could understand and validate me, but I’m not going to expect or demand that because I have the strength to move on.

When a person said something I thought was wrong or they doubted what was going on with me, my immediate focus would be on not acting impulsively, and, instead, working to stay calm. I saw the importance of, instead of just reacting, stopping for a second to think about the three statements above to help calm me. These became my mission statements. Once I ran through the mission statements in my head, I was ready to not take their words personally.

Don’t Let Words Bother Me

Finding the strength to be solid and in-control was not easy. Certainly, in the early days when I was most vulnerable and a long way from being able to stand on my own two feet, I rode a roller coaster of emotions, made worse by my reactions to what others said to me.

When I pushed myself to take a hard look at what was really going on, I saw that my reaction to hurtful statements was caused, not just by what they actually said, but also, by how I felt about myself. When I looked deep down, I saw that the honest-to-God truth was that the reason I reacted so poorly to what people said was because of the low opinion I had of myself; if I hadn’t felt so helpless and unworthy, and, instead, had a higher opinion of myself, I wouldn’t rush to interpret those things people said as mean, stupid or insulting.

If I was stronger, those words would bounce off me as if were a superhero.

I couldn’t stop people from saying things, so I had to change the way I heard their words and learn to be that superhero by not taking what they said personally.

I knew it would be tough, but I had to find a way to be stronger and more secure in myself.

My Well Being

I don’t have to put myself at the mercy of others. I don’t have to let their thoughtless words affect me, and I have the right to live my life on my terms and in my way. The old saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me,” became my mantra as I worked to take my life back. I was all done putting my well being in the hands of other people by expecting or wanting them to be a certain way, and by giving them so much credibility.

Others can say things to us that can feel like a gut punch that sends us reeling. Words can really hurt. When others, especially those close to me, didn’t believe me or belittled me or my injury, it was incredibly upsetting, but fighting back by arguing or getting frustrated and angry was not the answer. I had to be that strong person, that superhero, and show them who I was and who I was committed to be; that would have much more value and credibility than trying to defend myself in an argument I couldn’t win.

We,  TBI survivors, who can get confused about what our life has become and our position in the world, yearn to be understood and validated, but we cannot demand that or expect others to behave differently..

We win by showing who we are, and by being above the fray and not taking things personally, as difficult as that might be.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Dealing with TBI, Published Tagged With: abi, acknowledge, attitude, Be, be me, brain fog, Brain Injury, Braininjury, Caregivers, coma, concussion, confidence, confusion, freedom, gratitude, head injury, head trauma, Human, mental health, mindfulness, neuroplasticity, psychology, purpose, recovery, rehabilitation, stroke, TBI, traumatic brain injury, tumor, uncaring, understand, understanding

Did You Like What You Read?

Join my email list and get my posts delivered to your inbox

Jeff Sebell

Jeff Sebell is a published Author, Speaker and Blogger writing about Traumatic Brain Injury and the impacts of his own TBI which he suffered in 1975 while attending Bowdoin College He has been active in the community since the inception of the NHIF, and was on the founding board of directors of the MA chapter. His book "Learning to Live with Yourself after Brain Injury", was released in August of 2014 by Lash Publishing.

My Other Hangouts : FacebookTwitterLinked In

Comments

  1. Mary says

    May 6, 2019 at 8:52 am

    This is so wise all of it… thank you for posting, for being a guide to those further down the hill hopefully many of us (am a caregiver) will join you at the top, with grace, in time.

    Reply
  2. Bo Wass says

    May 6, 2019 at 10:30 am

    Very insightful and helpful Jeff!

    I have learned a litmus test: If I get angry do I gain from that anger?

    If (when) someone gets angry at me for something I have done: Did I do it on purpose? Was there intent? Can I fix it? Is anger a solution or gratifying for the one that berates you?

    I adopt the “old hippy” attitude – Peace at any price. This attitude has changed my life.

    Look forward. Roll with it.

    Reply
  3. bob smith says

    May 6, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    Well said Jeff! However I think you might also include ABI survivors in your comments, we are all on a different roll a coaster but it’s just as scary a ride.

    Your posts are very insightful and appreciated, keep up the great work.

    Cheers,
    Bob.

    Reply
  4. Diane Besemer says

    May 6, 2019 at 11:53 pm

    So true. Thank you.

    Reply
  5. Richelle Miller says

    May 8, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    I just wanted to take a minute and thank you Jeff. I read your newsletters every month and it really helps me see things in a different way. Thanks again and keep on (if it makes you happy 😉 sharing your insights with us.

    Reply
  6. ChatCat76 says

    June 9, 2019 at 11:36 am

    Great again! I learned this, but as you said… it’s much harder coming from those close to us AND we thought they understood. I had to get “harden” to those I didn’t want to close out… but mentally… it was sink or swim. Now I’m better and slowly opening the door… cautiously letting some in. It will always be my fault, and I’m not sure why I’m to blame… but whatever!God knows.

    Reply
    • Grace Griepsma says

      July 31, 2019 at 9:45 am

      So VERY TRUE ! My sister ” thinks” and tries to analyze me.. She thinks what works for her should work for me and everybody else in the world . She didn’t have the fall. I did. Going on in my third year. Yes, she has had a tough life. She has a lot of wisdom to share, but the wisdom she should be using? She doesn’t know how to use. Dealing with her can be a challenge. She doesn’t offer questions but statements.. She suggested I see a Counselor to rewire my brain how I should think. Neuro fatigue is just in my head she figures. Well yes, it is in my head more than she realizes. Because I respect her, it makes me question myself. I’ve had to learn to place some boundaries, even before my fall. My other siblings don’t really care either way and have no opinions on the subject. Yesterday I seen my doctor and asked him for a name of a professional that I could talk to about how I can better help myself. Your reply and This article was most helpful. Blessings!

      Reply
      • ChatCat76 says

        August 23, 2019 at 2:42 pm

        Are we living in the same body! lol. You know what? I found out I do so many things during the day – I am amazed at all I do …. it’s kind of creepy when I AM TOLD WHAT I DO… and yet, these are people who don’t ASK me, COME see me very much, DON’T educated themselves…but THEY are the EXPERTS of ME! WOW.

        I hope you’re not wet with all the sarcasm dripping! 🙂 ha. The only people that have a right to tell us anything are our doctors (and they can be wrong) and those that live with use (and they can be wrong). The best person to ask is the expert, and if I’m thinking correctly today… wouldn’t that be US ? We, the people who live with TBI, are we so “OUT THERE” that we are clueless and have not an intelligent thought? YES, that’s us… no intelligent thought! (that’s not my opinion)

        NO is the real answer. We are very intelligent and if we were listened too, healing would come much quicker! We are conditioned to believe we don’t know what is best for us, we don’t know what is going on, we are in la-la land, etc… While this might be true for a portion of a day, we aren’t as “stupid” as some think we are! And this is where I get weary. So I don’t try anymore. If I’m stupid, then I’m stupid. But I know what I know! And my docs know what I know. And I and my docs know that what others know is not what is correct.

        What a waste of precious time… to label people and act on those labels instead of getting to know them again in their “new life”. We are on shaky ground at times… I”ve never had TBI.. or any of my conditions…so I’m learning. I’m educating myself. BUT, I am NOT sitting around having pity party.

        CORRECTION” If I have a pity party, then I there is a time limit. Crying, sobbing is healing and letting out those emotions can help healing.

        I wonder what our close loved ones would say if they knew that their actions or lack there of, are one of the MOST UNHEALING things we experience?

        I love research and I do “studies” with some in our groups. What I discovered, which isn’t ground breaking… Doctors and Staff cause 48ish amount of trauma in a patients life. Family and Friends cause about the same in a patients life. SO… 2 – 4 people in our realm do not cause us trauma and it isn’t the 4 listed above! This says it all.

        Reply
  7. Chatcat76 says

    August 23, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    I will back up and say…. the post Jeff wrote about “I did that”? is very true. This is different that what I’m talking about. And I’ve ask that I’m told so I can be appropriate before it becomes a habit. I’m speaking of “all you do is sit around a think” “you need to do something in stead of sitting around and feeling sorry for your-self” “you need to do something”, you need to… blah blah…. Did anyone ask me? I’m told that being an advocate is creating a “victimizing atmosphere”. I’ve had some victories that are celebrated by myself an dog! I’m happy with the accomplishments I’ve had because I was swimming up stream. But I’m not asked. This is what gets me… My family would be shocked at what all I’ve accomplished (though not near what I could have if no TBI)… but HEY… I did something~!

    I wanted to clarify what I meant!

    Thanks.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Jeff Sebell Author and TBI SurvivorJeff Sebell is a published Author, Speaker and Blogger writing about Traumatic Brain Injury and the impacts of his own TBI which he suffered in 1975 while attending Bowdoin College  He has been active in the community since the inception of the NHIF, and was on the founding board of directors of the MA chapter. His book "Learning to Live with Yourself after Brain Injury", was released in August of 2014 by Lash Publishing.

Read More . . .

From the Archives

  • Lost My Car & Nearly Fell Into the “Brain Injury Trap”

    Lost My Car & Nearly Fell Into the “Brain Injury Trap”

    January 6, 2019
    I get a laugh when I mention to somebody that I lost my car in the parking lot and they respond with, “Oh yeah, I do that all the time.” I …Read More »
  • My Mental Balancing Act-Post Brain Injury

    My Mental Balancing Act-Post Brain Injury

    September 16, 2018
      For the last forty three years, since my car crash and month long coma, I have essentially been performing one big balancing act. Over this time I have learned …Read More »
  • “Strategies” Are Important, but We Need Solutions

    “Strategies” Are Important, but We Need Solutions

    April 22, 2018
    After we experience a brain injury we want answers to some important questions: when will I be my old self again, and how do I get myself back? Unfortunately, there …Read More »
  • The Truth About Football, CTE and Us

    The Truth About Football, CTE and Us

    March 17, 2018
    The last several years we have learned about the repercussions of repetitive hits to the heads of our football heroes. Do we really understand though? We see stories about them …Read More »
  • How I Dealt with Abuse Following A Chronic Injury/Illness

    How I Dealt with Abuse Following A Chronic Injury/Illness

    February 11, 2018
    Those of us who have experienced a chronic injury or who have a chronic illness are used to being treated poorly by others. You would think people would be more …Read More »

Recent Comments

  • Jeremiah Grant on Finding the Will to Keep Fighting after Brain Injury
  • Julie on Living with a Brain Injury and Feeling Disconnected
  • Suzanne Fergusson on How I Dealt with Abuse Following A Chronic Injury/Illness
  • Tom on I’m 65 and Officially Retired from Being Disabled
  • Dorrin Rosenfeld on I’m 65 and Officially Retired from Being Disabled
  • David Anderson on I’m 65 and Officially Retired from Being Disabled
  • JoAnne Forte on I’m 65 and Officially Retired from Being Disabled
  • R Miller on I’m 65 and Officially Retired from Being Disabled

Categories

  • Dealing with TBI
  • Finding Yourself
  • Thriving
  • Relationships

Join Our Email List

Connect With Us

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Post Archives

© tbisurvivor.com 2016 · All Rights Reserved · Designed by Ninja Business Media ·