There are some things people say that cut right to the quick, leaving you bruised and bleeding as though a cat-o-nine tails had just snapped your skin open. These are words so hurtful you can’t believe anyone would utter them, never mind that they are usually said by someone close to you, who knows you, and is supposed to care about you. What messes you up even more is that these words are supposedly said for your own good.
“Please tell me how those words are supposed to help,” you want
to say as your mind screams, but you are so shocked and upset you can’t talk.
This has, as you would expect, happened numerous times to me over the course of 39 years, but there is one instance that stands out vividly in my mind. The situation was this:
I was in my senior year in college, one year and one semester after my brain injury, about to take the final exam in Microeconomics, my last and hardest exam; feeling confused, scared, mistrustful and very mildly suicidal. One night, when I was driving home, I had felt like I was going to lose control of my car and drive into the ocean. I was so confused and scared that the next day I went to see the school psychologist; having decided that I was not yet ready to swim with the fishes.
I remember walking in and being met by a man who motioned me to a chair. I sat, and he asked me how things were.
“Terrible,” I said. “I’m flunking the last required course for my major.”
“Do you have any friends?”
In my mind I had no friends. I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“I was head injured in a car accident,” I said, trying to make things clear so he could help me.
“Let’s forget about that. How’s your sex life?”
“What,” I asked, “is a sex life?”
“There’s your problem.”
“No. I was head injured in a car accident.” What didn’t he understand?
He looked at me, crossed his arms and said, “Let’s forget about that.”
I was dumbfounded when he said that, and I felt as though I was wasting my time. I got up and left the room.
Thus went my visit to the school psychologist; a pivotal moment for me because I realized that even the professionals couldn’t be counted on.
I left that office, fuming, upset, and even more confused about my place in the world and how I was supposed to find it.
I thought of going to see the Dean of Students to see if she had any suggestions. The previous year the Dean had promised me assistance if I had issues. However, there was a new dean and she just stared blankly at me and shrugged her shoulders as I explained my situation.
Being angry or upset might fill me with adrenalin and make me feel alive and vibrant, in a weird sort of way, but I knew I couldn’t waste my time or energy on something just because it made me feel good. Somehow, I had to rally and get past this, and I would have to do it on my own. I came up with a plan, which involved sleeping on someone’s couch for the last month of school so I could study late and not have to make the ten mile drive home in the dark.
Through this episode I eventually discovered some important things.
Number one: I was stronger, more resourceful and more self-reliant than I had given myself credit for. One way to look at it was I was kicked put of the nest and forced to fly on my own. When forced into things, I went beyond my own perceived limits.
Number two: with the psychologist’s words echoing in my mind, eventually I realized that they were not said in the spirit of meanness. Over time, I was able to see something in his words, some weird truth, hard as it was to accept that there was any truth at all in them. He was telling me something, not about what others thought about me, but how I should treat myself. I owed it to myself to try and see that, and get over the initial, emotional reaction, as it difficult as that may be. Most of the time people are actually trying to help us, even though, to us, it sounds like we are being attacked. People are going to say things, think things and express themselves in ways that we may not always like. The fact that we don’t want to hear it or react emotionally to it usually means we need to listen.
In this case the truth in the psychologist’s words were, “How long are going to blame everything on this for?” and, “Let’s take a closer look at this.” At the time I didn’t want to hear that, after all it was only two years after my accident.
But, how do you listen when someone seems to be attacking you? It’s very hard, and it’s even harder to be objective and read into their words, but we need to discard our old way of listening. Usually, when we feel we are being questioned or attacked, we react by making excuses. Of course, we think, “They aren’t excuses, they are reasons!!” We may not even realize how much we do it, or how quickly these things come from our mouths, and we certainly don’t consider other peoples’ reactions to OUR words; that they do get tired of hearing our reasons, and that, unfortunately, the way it works is that those closest to us hear these reasons the most.
I understand why we do this… it’s not like we want to blame stuff on our injury, but it just comes out of our mouth. In our mind, we are just being honest. After all, we were never like this before and we don’t understand why we are the way we are now. So we get emotional, and there is an element of self-righteousness in our response, as we think, “Oh my God, how could they say that, to me, of all people?”
Getting all huffy about what they say is our way of taking control of the situation, and is an obvious, although fruitless response. We feel hurt and indignant because we are programmed to interpret what people say a certain way. The trick is to put that aside and ask ourselves, “Is there anything I can learn from what they said? If I had chosen to get past my anger and frustration so that I could listen to that psychologist, as difficult as it was, and have a discussion with him, I might have learned some things, but instead, I chose to stomp out of his office.
You can learn, both from the other’s words, and from your own reactions.
When it got really hard, I wasn’t up to the task. Somehow I had to find a way not to react to his words, but look for the truth behind his words and in my own reactions.
A VA shrink told me I needed more discipline. I also stomped out. Looking back, it may have just been the way he said it that I took wrong.
if that’s all that you heard that hurt you, you got off easy. I’ve heard go live off the governmet like a bum, you are an utter disgrace, sorry I haven’t visited in the five years since the injury been busy.
get back to me when you hear that
what constructive part in those comments did I miss at the time?
Thanks for reading and commenting, Mark. You bring up a good point which I didn’t address in this post: that there are angry and mean people who don’t have our best interests at heart, and say things that are dumb and ridiculous. What we should know is that there are reasons they react to our situation this way, and what they say, although directed at us, usually isn’t really about us, but is about some messed up reality they carry around. There are always going to be some people like this.
The important thing to take from this, and what I was addressing in the post, is that we should concentrate on how we hear their words, rather than what they actually say. We can choose to hear their words however we want, and we are the ones who give them power and meaning, and react to them. By reacting to what they say, we are giving up the power we all have to control our own lives.
I wish you good luck.
Another great article, I related to it on a very personal level. Your reply to one of the comments hit right home.
Thank you Jeffrey, your articles always come at the right time, and some how relate to what I’m dealing with or trying to deal with is most precise.
Becky
Mark, I have felt and still feel sometimes like the sponge when it comes to “living off the government.” I have had to adjust my outlook on this. First of all people like us with TBI was one of the reasons that S.S. disability was created. We have paid in for years and years, so like an insurance policy we are collecting on a claim. Next I was injured doing my job(career firefighter), actually going above and beyond. I forever saw my “completeness” in my career even volunteering for the town I live in. Now just last week I have come to realize it is really about my family and my ability to provide. Taking the benefits when you are truly disabled should not make you feel guilty or ashamed. I am not judging in any way just asking for you to maybe view this in a different way.
I ‘ve actually had some good experiences from people who say to me you never mention your illness but one day I mentioned it at work one day and a guy jumped all over me saying I’m always talking about it. Go figure?
I work with some people that at time make some parts of my brain hurt and ache. I m amazed at the emotional indifference and ignorance some display in lieu of another person’s struggle.
I become forced to shut them out emotionally and mentally. The good news; I m able to work independently. The bad news; as a team member I become non compliant with the guidelines of interpersonal relations. It forces a person to really think about the importance of wellbeing and safety and being able to make a living.
Hello Friends,
Regarding this Post about when people comment on your still using the ‘brain injury excuse’, this has always been done by friends or acquaintances while I was in school or by people close to me after those dates. Being almost 23 years post TBI, I’ve almost forgot about a lot of this stuff until I read the book of a fellow survivor, David who wrote book Metamorphosis, Surviving Brain Injury. Luckily someone was watching over me and I was able to put myself in the right place at the right time which provided me the opportunity to do some pretty neat stuff over the years. The two people that Must NOT be left of of taking credit for my success are my Parents, Mary and Frank Rivet. They helped me in so many ways back in the early 90’s, they were Truly the Greatest examples of Parents that I’ve come across. Enough about me, in the whole scheme of things … You almost have to consider the source when a comment like this has been made.
Over the past 20 years I’ve bantered to brain injury excuse quite often, over time I feel friends know me and I very rarely hear it.
I remember telling my Dr. who was my brain injury specialist at the New England Rehab about a comment I had made to a friends wife. This was regarding how I’d forgotten to do something the previous day, “darn brain injury” was my excuse for being so absent minded. Lyn found this quite funny and I had mentioned this to my Doctor on my next visit. Not that I was ever scarred, hurt, or made to feel less-than regarding comments like this, My Doc later told me, well Matt, you can respond that way with the problems you’ve been having since your accident. I’d just try not to think too much about it when people make comments like this, it’s quite possible they’ve never met someone with a brain injury before and possibly even deeper than that ..they may be a dope.
Stay well guys
The best thing you did was walk out. Even if you found some thing in his words worth remembering years later, the best thing you did was walk out. The counselor seemed unprofessional in both responses and questions and clueless about head injuries.
My least favorite it the …”don’t you remember? I told you.”
Wow.. okay.. this one got me….. Why tho? Why did I get So fueled up when I read this? and It even got worse when I read what you wrote Jeff, ….It’s easier said than done … I’m okay now. .Heh…. If the ones who make these ignorant and rude comments could go through some of the repercussions and frustrations of a TBI survivor for just one week… if only…hmm
I’ve been told by my best friend: “If you weren’t so Angry All The Time maybe you could Work!” *2 yrs ago…My fatigue, anxiety, and confusion were at an extreme high at the time…… I was told by my brother those exact words you stated above: ““When are you going to Stop Using that Brain Injury Thing as an Excuse” *4 years ago~ Only 2 years, after 2 brain surgeries from my ABI ~No memory at all of one of those years) go figure?…… I was told by my daughter: “If Everyone in the Family Is Saying it How Can Everyone Be Wrong?”(My family is the poster family for “dysfunctional” btw~~ Post BI) ……Or how bout my mothers’ comment *less than 1 year ago: “It Is You, That is why No-one wants to Talk to You Anymore” (all family including my one of two daughters have practically deleted me from their lives) Seclusion … ahhh yess just what a brain injury survivor needs! *note that was sarcasm: (working on that, ha)
**that is only a Very Few of the Many More Ignorant comments from the “insiders” in my life, much less from the “outsiders”. I guess I am not as strong or intelligent as I thought I was …”doubting myself… ack” I only say this because I AM a Strong, Intelligent, Outgoing, Caring, Beautiful person!! I fight Everyday to get Better! To Remember better, to Act better, to Do onto Others as I would want Done to Me… I am Not Perfect By Far! I accept my faults and I continue to strive to improve on them every day…. what I do not accept is my disability -That is a biggie for me….. so when I finally admit that Maybe it Was because of my Disability I get angry when someone tells me it’s not. …. Really? *******Tell me why people feel it’s even their place to “Judge” anyone when No One is Flawless?
Oh your going to love this one…Not my Neurosurgeon, (she is wonderful) but my medication Neurologist (who has been replaced)…………. “It’s All In Your Head” ….. Classic
I understand but disagree. I bounced right back…into my job and my duties as a husband and father. Jumped right in. And shoud have not done that. I struggle to hold it all together under the “be respnsible for yourself” model. I am not able to do it..not because I dont think I can but because when I do it, things fall apart. I cant hold it together, despite being a no-excuse kind of person. I have ADHD and often dropped the ball before the accident, I didnt know I had ADHD, so I never ‘used it as an excuse’…how do you do tht anyway? Life is too rich and full of possibilities to pretend not to be invovled and committed. When people say such things to me I realize they cant see the differencve between what I’m focused on doing and the results I get..after failing. I’m quite sure they dont get it. And now with the TBI, memory issues worse, and with body injuries that limit my physical abilities and make every action a hero moment(getting it done depsite the pain)—-I am appalled that someone would have such a selfish thing to say. It dosnt help. And I guss there is the reality..there is no help. I will struggle through the rest of my life as I am doing now, flailing where I use to have ease. Struggling to keep things making sense. Strugging to remember what I was doing,thinking, etc.,, etc. No its not a excuse. It is my burden to endure. And it is an alone thing.
Great article and it was very inspiring to me as I am also a survivor of a TBI. I have a problem though. I never used my brain injury as a crutch. In fact I literally pretended it didn’t exist the minute I left the ICU. I had faith in my mental abilities and the way my mind had previously been my asset. So at home and in the workplace I acted like it didn’t cause me any trouble. I never been initiated therapy or any kind of assistance as far as counseling. I thought I had been lucky and not suffered any consequences of my injury. I even received a promotion at work and was doing relatively great.
Now, after pushing myself and shrugging off the side effects and cognitive impairments that came up, never voicing them to anyone in my life, I am literally at the brink of breaking down. My brain is a mess, paranoia, crippling fear of unlikely events that seem so real in my head, and a phobia of even leaving the house . I feel like I’m going crazy and the weird thing is i am competent enough to know what’s going on. Its like two sides of my brain with one knowing something is so irrational and unhealthy yet the other side is the one driving it and I can’t seem to stop. I have missed work several times and in every area of my life I am about to crash and burn. I want help and in dying to reach out but for almost 2 years I haven’t ever once mentioned my TBI effects to anyone. I said one thing to my mom the other day and she got mad and responded with the classic “What? your just using that as a crutch, don’t be crazy”.
I have shoved my problems down and pretended I was strong enough to overcome them on my own but I’m dying inside and I know that no one will ever take me serious because of the way I’ve hid my struggles thus far. Help.
There are different camps of thought on whether a brain injury can get worse over time. I have come across doctors who say it can and other doctors who say it can’t, but I can tell you it did in my case. I can see where not telling anyone about your injury,and then having it become such a problem would be an issue. I would suggest you see a counselor and/or a neurologist so you can get a diagnosis or a neuropsyche exam. I know exactly what you say about being taken seriously,and you need to find allies in the medical community. Seeing a counselor would be a good start. Good luck.